#selfierebellion

tumblr_leeu3h3NRc1qdlkggIs it wrong to be rude? I’ve spent a lifetime of being taught my p’s and q’s, enduring a healthy dose of discipline and abiding by laws of respect, regard and recognition. Not to mention structuring my character around being friendly, kind, pleasant, agreeable, amicable and every other human gesture of positive opinion, yet I am still left to face a harsh reality.

Today I realized that I am rude.

Confrontation about a month ago would set me towards addressing an area of my soul that took a hard blow after an emotional fall. I went through the typical stages of shock, then denial and offense. But have since settled in a place of acceptance. Neglected broken pieces had numbed my pain as I never took the time to address where it hurt. And now the consequences of rejected pain have managed to merge with my way of being; sometimes causing what the world recognizes as rude behavior to show up in my day to day actions. So…. catch me at the wrong time and things may not be so pleasant.

#mydefinition – 

the wrong time: a point and place where words and actions are not being carefully controlled and true emotions are exposed.

Admitting to being rude doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. What it does do however is signal my life as being in a state of emergency.

712364008a40eabecdc2f3e058e3a216For a little over a year I’ve been in grave danger of inheriting a perpetual generational cycle that for as long as I can remember I had sworn hatred against. Yet as great as my disgust was towards becoming what I hated, that was exactly where I was headed. Before crossing that thin line  I was able to view myself through the lens of someone whose struggle was my own.

It’s not that I’d never noticed the behavior patterns, but to me everything was justified. And those with the problem just simply didn’t get it. Yet the difference on today was my posture in analyzing the situation. My walls were still up, answers were still defensive, but my heart was now open for a transfer. It was after more than just a couple back-to-back incidents of expressing my truth to those whose response was automatic offense that I had to stop and sniff some stuff that stank.

I knew it didn’t sound pretty, and I knew it came from hurt places, but I just didn’t have the time to hear what ‘they’ had to say, felt kind of scared and was even starting not to care.

So what’s a female to do? Without even realizing it, I had unexpectedly landed in a spot where I had no choice but to stare ME in the eye. I had no doubt fallen for the illusion of my mask and forgot the mess that lived beneath.

alice-falling-down-rabbit-hole-2This is what happens when life hurts us and we fall down our personal black hole. So far down that we’ve forgotten the purity of what once was because we’re too busy saving face and avoiding what is.

You’re probably familiar with the decoy device; the mask of I’m ok, it’s ok and if they don’t get it, they don’t matter and that’s ok too.

But when you suddenly awaken from your subconscious concussion and realize you want more out of life, it will be this same mask you’ve used as your crutch that will hinder you from advancing, progressing and blossoming into your best you. The person you’ve always meant to become but just didn’t know how to access…. before realizing that your greatest blocker was the man in the mirror.

John 15:12 comes to mind when I consider my ultimate goal;

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.”

It’s not too hard to wind up in a place where someone or something does internal damage and as a result causes your behavior to malfunction. But the antidote tends to be dodged because like me a lot of us get comfy in operating from our wounds.  I’ve realized that my shift out of rude behavior into a FULL-filled life requires a #selfierebellion –  the embracing of love and giving love to others to treat my hurt places rather than to hide them or letting them rot & fester.

In actuality, choosing not to love exposes our hurt even if we feel we’re doing a significant cover up job.

A need for control and failure to surrender hinders hurt places. Even if the reason for being controlling and not surrendering is because I aim to prevent anything else from entering and potentially doing more damage to the wound. Harsh communication in the name of ‘keeping it real’, anti-social tendencies and constantly being wary of people’s intentions are all potential tell tale signs and can be interpreted as rude yet viewed as normal from the wounded party.

My saving grace in the midst of all this??? When realizing my brokenness leaves me at a place of loss, Christ’s suffering and death at Calvary is my focal point for the ultimate example of how this thing is supposed to be done.

‘But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us’ – Romans 5:8

The summation of my 28 years living on this planet has brought me to a place where hurt, selfishness, pride, fear and rejection caused me to guard my heart and manipulate my way through life as a means of both protecting myself and controlling my situations (or at least attempt to).

9af66cda368ad0a9a7f8459a757b7f87But being challenged to sincerely ‘LOVE’ my neighbor as He loves me means I am literally choosing to wave a white flag on getting to do it my way. Though being rude is apart of me  I’m pledging to endure narcissistic suicide. A #selfierebellion in it’s truest form.

#sheisjubilee

[please note images & gif are not my own]

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